Normally I’m excited for March. It brings the promise of spring. It is the month where all things green start to peek through the muddy ground, and when the Protestants wear orange. It is also the month of my birthday.
However, this year March has been more of a month of dread. Last year, along with four of my siblings, I discovered that I have a rare inherited retinal disease. A disease that may or may not lead to blindness. It is so rare that we are going to a specialist who specializes in rare inherited retinal diseases. If he doesn’t know what it is, then it is a new disease. On March 17th, my mother, father, and two of my younger brothers are going up to Chicago to see what exactly it is.
I won’t lie and say that I’m not afraid. Everyone is afraid. There is a hidden tension in the house. A nervous anticipation for the day. Everyone wants to know the answer, but we’re afraid of what it might be.
For a while I felt afraid, but I couldn’t put words to it. I knew I was afraid, but I didn’t know why. This Sunday, we asked our Church to pray for us. My dad stood up and began to speak.
We’ve been praying for healing…
and I know like that’s the Christainese thing and you’re kinda supposed to do it. But from my background, nah that’s actually not what you did. It doesn’t work that way.
But I’ve been coming to see that for me wresting with what’s God’s Will and I don’t need to know. I’m their father, and I’m supposed to pray that they be healed.
And past that though I think that this is a thing that God has brought into our family for the sake of all of you.
We want this to be our gift to you That what does it mean to be a Christian when you’re faced with the death of possibly your dreams
And we wanna stand up here and one hand wanna say that I am terrified and praying that we get up there and they don’t find anything and what if God says no? How do you face that?
At that point I wanted to leap up and shout. “That’s it! That’s why I’m afraid!”
What if God says no? Then what?
Everyone here is ready to go
It’s been a hard year with nothing to show
From down this road
It’s only on we go, on we go – Up We Go by LIGHTS